Today was pretty uneventful, it was a normal day as a college student; school, friends, and homework. It was a great day to be outside. After modern, I went with Kelley and Jamie to the Den to get a drink. We were just talking and having a good time.
On the way we got on the topic of Jamie being short, for some reason imagined Jamie as a Leprechaun. I mentioned it to the girls and Jamie said she would have to be a drunk Leprechaun. We all began to think of Jamie as a drunk Leprechaun and all the possible shenanigans she would be up to; hiding in the closet and drunkenly trying to scare you as you open the door, putting wires up and watching people trip over them as they walked past, and getting chased by a cat then turning herself into a cat and confusing the one chasing after her. Unfortunately she was not able to find a way to change herself back and instead of alcohol she reverted to catnip.
Afterwards we sat down on Chauncey Hill at the picnic tables by Hot Box Pizza. We just sat there and chatted, rambling on about random shit. Just sitting in the sun, relaxing and hanging out with friends was great. I ended up having a great burn on Kelly. Jamie and I were discussing about how easy it is to make fun of Kelley. She replied back, “Well at least I’m entertaining.” Having left herself open I took the grand opening of her own demise and stated, “Whores are entertaining too.” Kelley gave me the infamous woman stare, and Jamie and I busted into a laughing fit. I decided to call Ricky because of his love of insults. He answered and I told him the story, he asked if I did the burn dance. I caught onto what he was saying and loudly announced I did not know the burn dance. I laughed and hung up the phone, and then Jamie and I pounded fists acknowledging my great achievement. Kelley reverted to silence in attempt to not make a bigger fool over herself, it was probably for the better. Jamie eventually announced she had to go home and get something to eat. We said our goodbyes Jamie left, and Kelley and I headed back towards campus.
Once outside Kelley’s dorm, Kelley and I talked about our life. Eventually it got to the subject of where we were at in this relationship. It ended well because I got to say how I felt and was not making an ass of myself. I’m glad we can be friends because this entire situation was fucked up. We then began talking about Katie and Ken’s relationship, our worries because it is both of their first real relationship. I just worry because your first relationship ends very badly or lasts forever. Normally is the first option and I never want Katie to get hurt. Eventually we went up to her room and continued talking; mainly about sex, relationship, our expeditions with each other and other people as well. Eventually both of us had to leave and head to class. Before I left, I imagined Jamie sitting on the edge of the trashcan and drunkenly falling into it, we laughed and I walked out the door.
Once I got outside I remembered Kelley saying she was not going to go to class and I decided to send her a chain of text telling her to go to class. She called me very frustrated to say the least.
After I got back from class, I chilled and then went down to dinner. After dinner I went outside and met Baldwin, the Greek Community Representative running for Student Government President. I decided afterward I like him and his platform, everything he said seem attainable and nothing too lofty. Also he stated, “Fuck you Kyle Pendleton!” After those words there was no doubt in my mind I was voting for.
I went upstairs napped and talked to my mom. I found out a girl Stephanie from my youth group was feeling down, so she was placed on antidepressants. It began making her sick so they took her off of them. If you have never taken antidepressants you do not understand how difficult it is to wean oneself off of them, it completely fucks with you chemical balances in your head. As a high school girl it was greatly emphasized due to hormones raging. In this form of semi-mental instability she kicked her mom, bit her dad, the cops were called and while they were there she went to the bathroom, locked the door, and began cutting her wrists. I feel for her because the pain you feel from not being accepted by others hurts.
I walked downstairs, and found the people attempting to practice their serenades. I joined learned it quickly, like always. I told Alexis I would help her and the guys whenever she needed it. I then went outside smoked hookah and chilled with the guys on the porch.
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Death of Me
I have no idea where I got to where I am today.
Everything is so wrong about me; I lie, I deceive, I seduce.
My entire being scrams evil and hatred. I have turned down a path no person should ever traverse.
In its depths is a hallow emptiness pulling my soul in to a dark abyss, never to return again.
Suddenly, I find myself slipping into its murky water.
Once I’m in, everything spirals around me out of control and I begin to get sucked into the crazy whirlpool my life has become.
The god from the normal me has been washed away in the lapping darkness.
I have nothing left to grasp unto to help keep me firmly grounded.
“HELP,” I cry out. No one hears my futile screams.
Who possibly could above all the crashing waves around me and thunderous clouds over head?
My friends have left me, I am in this alone.
It is not as if I didn’t deserve this.
I’m surprised they could stand the sight of me.
They must have felt as if they were looking at some repulsive monster corroded from the inside out.
They must be happy, HA what irony, they will never have to look into these eyes of grief.
“AHHH!!” It has become so cold, how is the water not frozen and unmoving?
This is what my heart as become, frigid and unfeeling.
Yes, I’m finally nearing the end of this turmoil.
I see the eye of my destiny it glares at me from the center of the vortex urging me forward.
I give in, I have nothing left anyway. I’m taken into the eye of darkness. My last thought it is, “Oh God why me...?”
Have you ever felt as if your world was slipping from underneath you and you are incapable of stopping your own demise? I’m sure everyone has, no one’s life is ever perfect. As I have said before, someone’s life may seem easier to another but it can still be difficult for the person living it.
Just recently, something came up in my life, and my world felt like this it was just a tidal wave of emotional feeling, rising and falling. Nothing seemed to end the pain; it was uncontrollable and sweeping me from the shore.
Finally, in desperation, I grabbed a hold of the first thing I could and held on. I look over and realize it’s my best friend, Katie. She helped pull me out of the torturous waters I fell into, by just being there for me and suggesting things for me to do. She worked at it until eventually I was back to my old self again.
It is always nice to have someone you can rely on, keeping you on your toes. You may never know what will hit you next. If it hits you by surprise and you cannot deal with the weight put on your shoulders, you need to have a friend there to catch you when you fall. Without this help from your friends, you will surely be swept away.
Everything is so wrong about me; I lie, I deceive, I seduce.
My entire being scrams evil and hatred. I have turned down a path no person should ever traverse.
In its depths is a hallow emptiness pulling my soul in to a dark abyss, never to return again.
Suddenly, I find myself slipping into its murky water.
Once I’m in, everything spirals around me out of control and I begin to get sucked into the crazy whirlpool my life has become.
The god from the normal me has been washed away in the lapping darkness.
I have nothing left to grasp unto to help keep me firmly grounded.
“HELP,” I cry out. No one hears my futile screams.
Who possibly could above all the crashing waves around me and thunderous clouds over head?
My friends have left me, I am in this alone.
It is not as if I didn’t deserve this.
I’m surprised they could stand the sight of me.
They must have felt as if they were looking at some repulsive monster corroded from the inside out.
They must be happy, HA what irony, they will never have to look into these eyes of grief.
“AHHH!!” It has become so cold, how is the water not frozen and unmoving?
This is what my heart as become, frigid and unfeeling.
Yes, I’m finally nearing the end of this turmoil.
I see the eye of my destiny it glares at me from the center of the vortex urging me forward.
I give in, I have nothing left anyway. I’m taken into the eye of darkness. My last thought it is, “Oh God why me...?”
Have you ever felt as if your world was slipping from underneath you and you are incapable of stopping your own demise? I’m sure everyone has, no one’s life is ever perfect. As I have said before, someone’s life may seem easier to another but it can still be difficult for the person living it.
Just recently, something came up in my life, and my world felt like this it was just a tidal wave of emotional feeling, rising and falling. Nothing seemed to end the pain; it was uncontrollable and sweeping me from the shore.
Finally, in desperation, I grabbed a hold of the first thing I could and held on. I look over and realize it’s my best friend, Katie. She helped pull me out of the torturous waters I fell into, by just being there for me and suggesting things for me to do. She worked at it until eventually I was back to my old self again.
It is always nice to have someone you can rely on, keeping you on your toes. You may never know what will hit you next. If it hits you by surprise and you cannot deal with the weight put on your shoulders, you need to have a friend there to catch you when you fall. Without this help from your friends, you will surely be swept away.
Dream Walk In Brotherhood
I’m pledging a fraternity this semester, and surprisingly I just found out today why I am here. I thought I knew the reasons keeping me from dropping out, because pledging is extremely taxing.
I was in Wisconsin for the weekend on a trip with my pledge class. We decided there was a need for an extreme bonding experience. One to help us get to know everyone and what has brought them to this part of their life. It was a great trip, I will not dwell on the details but a great amount of time was spent hanging out and relaxing with one another.
When we go back I was very tired, we were on the road for five hours today and we got up to get ready to leave around 6:30. So when I got back to my room I decided to take a nap, while I was asleep I had a very strange dream.
I was in the woods; deep, dark, and dense trees all around me, wet grass and leaves crunch under my feat. I hear voices but what they say are unrecognizable, as if the words being spoken to me in another language, their meanings evade my intellects jabs for remembrance. After a while I give up trying to understand their evasive meaning.
For the first time I realize I’m not standing but running, no sprinting, though the forest away from the voices. I look back to find a hoard of spirits from the past, present, and future, coming after me. They are the ones calling out to me; still nothing of their meaning presents itself to me. I look on the ground and see a trail of fire in my wake; I run faster hoping to our run the flames following me as well. The faster I run the faster the flames proceed, I keep on running as if the wind is my feet and I effortlessly fly though the forest.
I soon come realize I am hunched over and running with my arms, I look down and realize I do not have but paws, covered in charcoal black fur. What is happened to me, I look up into the sky and see a full harvest moon, red and devouring like the fire raging behind me. Out of compulsion, I howl, there is not good reason for this but impulses told me I should. It becomes me I’m a wolf black as the night.
I come upon an opening in the trees; I run faster hoping to escape the flames that are now consuming my home. The home I live, the home I cherish, the home where I have my friends and family, it is all burning to the ground. Everything I had gone in an instant.
Once upon the clearing I find there is a small creek bed I have to cross. Right before I am about to jump into the water, I look down seeing my own reflection. I immediately halt, and stare at the image of myself reflecting back at me from the water. I break down, not only am I black wolf but I’m more than that, some demon placed on earth by Satan himself. My body is wreathed in flames; I am the cause for the destruction of my home. Only had I seen it sooner I would have been able to stop running and think then none of this would have happened. Now I have to find a way to move on and live life.
The spirits are upon me now, they are telling me how much of a fool I have been. They tried telling me to stop, but in ignorance turned a blind eye to what they we saying and it cost me dearly. My home and sanctuary is gone, all I have are the memories in which will live in me forever. The spirits surrounding me are angry but i see they are here to help me move on, just as my pack does, brotherhood.
As I awoke in my bed, drenched in sweat I began to think. What if this was to happen to our Fraternity, what would I do. All of this is my fault and there is no waking up and it all just being a dream. Had I actually destroyed what is to be my home, where I have spent so much time and effort into and have come to love and respect? All of it gone in an instant, but is everything truly lost. Yes, the place we reside is gone but the love and the ties with the place are still strong. Being part of a brotherhood is sticking together no matter what happens; sharing these experiences only make us grow stronger. We can still live on have brotherhood, because all we really need is each other.
I was in Wisconsin for the weekend on a trip with my pledge class. We decided there was a need for an extreme bonding experience. One to help us get to know everyone and what has brought them to this part of their life. It was a great trip, I will not dwell on the details but a great amount of time was spent hanging out and relaxing with one another.
When we go back I was very tired, we were on the road for five hours today and we got up to get ready to leave around 6:30. So when I got back to my room I decided to take a nap, while I was asleep I had a very strange dream.
I was in the woods; deep, dark, and dense trees all around me, wet grass and leaves crunch under my feat. I hear voices but what they say are unrecognizable, as if the words being spoken to me in another language, their meanings evade my intellects jabs for remembrance. After a while I give up trying to understand their evasive meaning.
For the first time I realize I’m not standing but running, no sprinting, though the forest away from the voices. I look back to find a hoard of spirits from the past, present, and future, coming after me. They are the ones calling out to me; still nothing of their meaning presents itself to me. I look on the ground and see a trail of fire in my wake; I run faster hoping to our run the flames following me as well. The faster I run the faster the flames proceed, I keep on running as if the wind is my feet and I effortlessly fly though the forest.
I soon come realize I am hunched over and running with my arms, I look down and realize I do not have but paws, covered in charcoal black fur. What is happened to me, I look up into the sky and see a full harvest moon, red and devouring like the fire raging behind me. Out of compulsion, I howl, there is not good reason for this but impulses told me I should. It becomes me I’m a wolf black as the night.
I come upon an opening in the trees; I run faster hoping to escape the flames that are now consuming my home. The home I live, the home I cherish, the home where I have my friends and family, it is all burning to the ground. Everything I had gone in an instant.
Once upon the clearing I find there is a small creek bed I have to cross. Right before I am about to jump into the water, I look down seeing my own reflection. I immediately halt, and stare at the image of myself reflecting back at me from the water. I break down, not only am I black wolf but I’m more than that, some demon placed on earth by Satan himself. My body is wreathed in flames; I am the cause for the destruction of my home. Only had I seen it sooner I would have been able to stop running and think then none of this would have happened. Now I have to find a way to move on and live life.
The spirits are upon me now, they are telling me how much of a fool I have been. They tried telling me to stop, but in ignorance turned a blind eye to what they we saying and it cost me dearly. My home and sanctuary is gone, all I have are the memories in which will live in me forever. The spirits surrounding me are angry but i see they are here to help me move on, just as my pack does, brotherhood.
As I awoke in my bed, drenched in sweat I began to think. What if this was to happen to our Fraternity, what would I do. All of this is my fault and there is no waking up and it all just being a dream. Had I actually destroyed what is to be my home, where I have spent so much time and effort into and have come to love and respect? All of it gone in an instant, but is everything truly lost. Yes, the place we reside is gone but the love and the ties with the place are still strong. Being part of a brotherhood is sticking together no matter what happens; sharing these experiences only make us grow stronger. We can still live on have brotherhood, because all we really need is each other.
